Politics
Committee Forms Subcommittee To Determine Whether Door Marked Doom Should Be Opened
June 9, 2026 / Dr. Voltage
Satire / entertainment. Read responsibly. Panic recreationally.
Filed by the Night Desk. Early reports suggest a bipartisan appetite for touching the worst possible handle.
Witnesses were advised to remain calm, keep receipts, and avoid making eye contact with any object that had recently learned confidence.
This is satire and entertainment. The newsroom recommends practical shoes and emotional flexibility.
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June 9, 2026 / Dr. Voltage
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Technicians confirmed the speaker had no power source, no Bluetooth pairing, and absolutely the wrong attitude.