Your penis needs an upgrade

Achievement unlocked.

Have you ever said to yourself “I wonder how many steps it is to the bank?” Or “How many times did I blink today?” I bet these are the questions that plagued the developers of the i.Con “smart” cock ring that’s like a Fitbit for your nether bits that measures your “pump” velocity and speed as well as how many calories you’ve burned while… “working out”. “But wait, there’s more!” Let’s take a look at the official product description from BritishCondoms.uk, the site that is retailing the product:

Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?

Welcome to the future of wearable technology in the bedroom.

Welcome to i.Con.

I suppose it’s a sign of the times that we need to include statistics in our sexual intercourse. I mean human connections have been stripped out with apps like Tinder and the like already. This seems to just be one more step towards total human disconnect from the sexual experience in preparation for the inevitable wave of sex robots that will ultimately lead to our demise.

I know I for one am ready to welcome our synthetic overlords and am rooting for a speedy demise for us all. “Learn” more about this futuristic cock ring and find out how many thrusts a week you’re getting “in” by clicking the image below. Go ahead… we wont judge.

Would you wear a cybernetic cock ring to track sexual performance?

• Yes, I would try one
• I already have
• No, not for me

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How do you talk to your children about the future of sex and technology? Comment below.